Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Underwear stickers

We have been lucky in that sibling rivalry has not been a giant issue amongst the three goblins. Each has their own sphere on interest and circle of friends. There are a few overlaps, but for the most part, they all do their own thing. However, with two daughters, that is bound to change.

About a month ago, the wee ginger beastie howled her way through the living room, tears squirting out of her eyes, snot blowing out her nose...one continuous wail of despair that sounded like all the souls in Hell were being flayed alive, doused in brine and set alight. The noise went right to the base of your skull and wrapped around your brain stem, directing your body to do whatever must be done to shut that Christing noise UP before a blood vessel popped.

Shocked and alarmed, eldest daughter and I rushed to the source. We checked for blood, broken bones, anything physical that could explain the unholy caterwauling. Finally, she made it clear that the problem was thus:

Glasses-wearing Snark Girl had received stickers, and the ginger biscuit had gotten none. The humanity! With that nugget of information disclosed, the cacophony started again,

Meanwhile, eldest daughter and I were gaping at each other.

"Did I give you any stickers?
"No....not that I remember?"
"Uh, what the heck??"

We turned back to the wee beastie, denying any inequity in sticker distribution.

She shot to her feet in righteous anger, stormed up to Snark Girl's room, rummaged around and hurtled herself back down the stairs to hurl the objects of jealousy and contention on the living room floor:

...a handful of brightly wrapped pantiliners.

"THESE stickers! UNDERWEAR stickers! She gets pretty underwear stickers and I don't get any and it's not faaaaaiiiiiir!"

Whereupon the Satanic wailing and waterworks started up again. There was no convincing her that she had not been slighted.

The next day, I went out and bought several packages of Sandylion stickers, which were accepted as no more than she was due....with a suspicious sniffle and a fierce glare.

She still has not forgiven us.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Harumpf. (Oh, Hi there! Long time no see...)

Balancing 1 husband,  2 jobs, 3 pets (and 3 children) and countless assorted freshmen and douchebags...wait. Freshmen and douchebags? I repeat myself.

 So, I acquired a second job back in late August, which played havoc with scheduling, free time, personal obligations and other such nonsense. Hence the long absence. I am going to try to be a bit more responsible in blogging from here on out. Promise.

In addition to trying to hammer writing skills into college students who are still in the larval stage, I started working in an elementary school library. k through 8th grade. It's done wonders for helping me come up with creative alternatives to cursing.

See, the (very elderly and extraordinarily crabby) nun that was running the library hit the unpadded kneelers a few too many times and ended up with a double knee replacement. The Pope himself had to force her into retirement, leaving no one to read stories to children using puppets and goofy voices.

That simply would not do.

As I volunteered fairly regularly and subbed for Sister on multiple occasions -- and because I apparently have "SUCKER" tattooed on my forehead in ink that is only visible to nuns -- I was asked to step in. Because the same order runs both the uni and the school, everyone was more than willing to schedule around college classes and elementary obligations and suddenly...BOOM!

Basically full-to-overflowing commode of commitments, and nary a plunger in sight.The last 7 months in a nutshell:

"Fuck summer classes. I'm not teaching shit. I may quit altogether!" (Can you say 'burnout?')

"Shit. I am bored. Not bored enough to teach Summer I or II, but...I might miss it a bit."

"Whoa. Budget's tight."

"Three overloaded classes for fall? Extra pay? Hell, yes!"

"Library job? Nah, I have...wait. You talked to the Dean already? Two days on campus, three at the elementary school? Done deal? Both Sisters signed the papers already? Huh?"


"Ugh. I forgod liddle kids gib me germs and I'b had a code for four months."

"Hi, library supply depot? Lick my 'taint. These are not the book covers I ordered. Also, throw another copy of 'The pout-pout Fish'  in our box."

"The amazing thing is there's little to no difference in teaching kindergarteners and college freshmen."

"This crop of paper cuts is from research papers. This set is from covering books."

"NO OVERDUES. Papers or books, doesn't matter."

"Thank God and Baby Jesus for Christmas break. And booze."

 "Wait. I go back tomorrow? Fuuuuuuck."

That about covers it. Obviously it was an eventful fall, and I'll play catch-up with more substantial blog posts later.

Happy new year!