"I need you to review my work and see if you can raise my grade."
"According to my grade book and notes, you stopped coming to class after midterms and turned in no work."
"But I had legitimate psychological reasons for not coming to class! You have to give me a better grade!"
"I need documentation. Your counselor needs to contact Student Affairs and the Counseling Center, and I need this to come through the proper University channels for me to consider a grade amendment."
"I can't! If I explain to them, my parents might find out, and I'll be dead!"
*sigh* "Without proper docs, I can't do anything for you."
"OK, here's the thing: I got really, really wasted -- just trashed on pot and beer -- and had a threesome with Teej and Garrett*. Like, I don't even know. I can barely remember shit. But when I came to class, they'd high five and call me "Eiffel Tower," and Teej's girlfriend would wait for me in the hall and threaten to kick my ass for sleazing her man, and I couldn't face that shit. That's why I stopped coming to class."
"While that is quite a set of issues, it's not really grounds for a grade change. May I recommend that you speak to one of the counselors, or your RA about this issue? It seems as if this would be more of a social, rather than academic, situation."
"Well, everyone kind of knows already, so..."
"I have no idea what to begin to tell you. Sorry."
*Teej and Garrett are room motes who are both in the same class -- and apparently share a great deal more than that.