Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Monday, August 1, 2011

The Ass of Terror!

The last week and a half has been a whirlwind of birthday parties and back-to-school parties for all three kids. At one of them, the Wee Ginger Beastie acquired a balloon. Bright red, cheerful and fat with helium, it floated merrily on the end of its yellow curly ribbon.  We tied it to the foot of her bed. She was pleased to no end.

Bitey considers all things ribbon-like to be edible. He also considered the balloon to be his mortal enemy. Last Wednesday, while we were out, he attacked, deflated the Red Sphere of DEATH and summarily devoured its Unholy Yellow Tether of Tastiness. Drama abounded. The conquering hero rested on his laurels (actually, a ladybug pillow pet) with an exceedingly smug look on is face as he was scolded by his teary mistress.

Thursday night, I got home from class to find everyone in the house asleep, despite what sounded like a thundering herd of wildebeests rampaging through the dining room. I dropped my messenger bag and flipped on the light to be confronted by quite a scene.

Bitey, frantic and wild-eyed, being chased around the dining-room table by a piece of his own poo.

It seems that the ribbon had made its way through his digestive tract largely whole. He crapped out a ball of poo-compacted ribbon...but the remainder of the ribbon was still in his butt. There was a golf ball-sized turd tethered to his pucker by about five inches of ragged yellow ribbon. Bitey found himself terrorized by this smelly follower, and was unable to escape from it no matter how fast he raced around the table.

I grabbed a handful of paper towels, cornered the cat and gently tried to remove the menacing piece of excrement, only to discover that there was still a great deal of ribbon lodged inside the cat.

Have you ever watched a magician perform the "never-ending scarf trick?"
Have you ever struggled to pull-start a chainsaw?

Close your eyes and imagine a twenty-pound, wildly flailing, howling, spitting, hissing Cuisinart with a shit-soaked pull-start cord.


Fucking cats.


  1. Yes, I have these memories too. 20 years of having both kids and cats have brought up several times where the cat has eaten something of the kids that I've had to help them birth.

    Oh my side! I haven't laughed like that in a long time.

  2. You are killing me here.... damn.


    But... I gotcha beat.

    I once ran a call where a woman delivered a full-term fetus, and supposedly didn't know she was pregnant. She was so freaked out, she ran away.

    Alas, she couldn't get away, because the placenta and umbilical cord were still inside her. We literally had to tackle her to keep her from dragging the baby to death. As it was, he was covered in gravel and grass clippings, but he managed to survive the ordeal.

    Ahhh the shit I can't blog about because 3/4 of the people wouldn't believe me, and the other 1/4 would be able to identify the patient because the circumstances were so unique...

  4. You are showing just how much
    it takes to be a mother. My
    admiration. Anon, Don

  5. Next time scissors, and kitty dose of metamucil.

  6. Stop! My stomach hurts from laughing. BTW, why wasn't it funny when I had a similar incident with our stupid dog, huh?

  7. ROTFLMAO, and I've gotta wipe down the screen from spitting coffee all over it... God Bless you for putting up with that :-)

  8. OMG OMG OMG same thing happened with Rajah ... I thought he had a bit of poop stuck on his butt and it JUST KEPT COMING until I had a three-foot long shit-smeared piece of twine dangling from my hand. GAHHHH!!!!

  9. Mylar Christmas Tree Tinsel and a 25 lb Blue Burmese and a rubber band here! I feel for ya! We also had a Pursian who constantly had poo get matted in her long tail hair and you found out about this when she jumped on your chest while you were laying in bed and she shoved her extra-large dingle berry encrusted tail in your face!

  10. And that right there is why all the rubber bands in my house are somehow locked away, because our oldest cat likes to eat them...with similar results.

  11. Oh, my sides! I literally laughed until I choked! Truly, that rivals some of Lawdog's best stories.

  12. Thank God it turned out that simple. I had a cat eat a shoelace once...$6500 and a lot of misery later, he died from digestive complications. :(

  13. Oh. My. God. I was laughing so hard I was gasping. Roomie had to come read over my shoulder because I couldn't pull my shit together long enough to be able to answer "What's so funny?"

  14. That happened to one of our cats some years back, and that is why Christmas (and other) presents in our house do not feature ribbons or bows.

  15. Growing up our dog ate the Tinsel off the tree.

    Nothing says "Christmas" like a Schnauzer running around the house with Tinsel hanging out it's ass.

  16. Had a similar experience with my childhood pooch and a pair of fuschia panties (with little black rosettes on them). Sister and I got into fisticuffs, as she HABITUALLY would wear my underwear and then put them, soiled and unseemly, back in my drawer. Fisticuffs morphed into WTF, when realizing the dog wasn't bleeding internally, but was crapping out my fuschia bloomers. Good times.


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