Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Kiss my mistletoe, buddy.

I should know by now that answering my mobile when I don't recognize the number -- especially on a holiday -- is a bad idea. Foolish, foolish me.

So, at 6 PM on Christmas day, comfortably stuffed full of baked ham, smashed 'taters and lighter-fluid-spiked eggnog,  I should have juts let that sucker roll over to voicemail. Instead, giddy with holiday cheer, I answered it.

Sobbing Student : "It's your fault my parents ain't lettin' me back livin' on campus, bitch!'
CM: "Who is that? What?"
SS: "You flunked me, and momma says I have to commute until I gets better grades!"
CM: "Who is this? I only had fifty students last semester...wait, never mind. Was my class the only one you failed?"
SS: "Naw. I flunked Bio, Freshman Year Experience, and Math I, too. Got a D in Philosophy, though!"
CM: *giggling* "Hooooly shit. You flunked FYE? All you had to do was show up and sit in the auditorium for forty-five minutes, once a week! It's a joke of a class!"
SS; "..."
CM: "Again, who is this?"
SS: "...Raymonique-Shane Relondo."
CM: "Dude, you failed my class because you missed 23 out of 30 class meetings. You did not turn in 2 of the 4 major papers, and the two you did turn in were wrong, because you missed the classes that we discussed them in. You slept in 3 of the classes you did manage to attend. You didn't turn in a portfolio, skipped your last conference and basically did no work. If you recall, you were given a midsemester grade warning, referred to tutoring and were told to get your shit together by me, your advisor and the Dean. This is all documented."
SS: "I'm fighting this grade 'cause you're sexist! You're a bitter old dyke who hates real men, and you failed me 'cause I gots a penis!"
CM: *laughing uncontrollably* "Merry Christmas, dude. See you in the Dean's office when school starts up again!"


  1. Clearly it's all your fault... :/

  2. and in three years I predict he'll be riding in my car:

    "You ruined my life dude!"

    Yep, because I made you buy all the drugs, get hammered, go driving and pick up multiple charges in one great binge of an evening...

    Seriously - I swear we have the same customers, just at different stages...

  3. You could always suggest that he remove the penis to earn a better grade. In fact, you might even offer to do the necessary, using the largest, bluntest pair of bolt-cutters you can lay your hands on . . .

  4. Give him hell! I have had teachers who have been shocked when I thanked them for giving my kids a less than stellar grade when that's all they earned.

  5. As I tell my students at the beginning of each term, "I do not give out grades; I award the grades you earn. The syllabus in front of you spells out the total points for the semester and how they are apportioned. The syllabus acknowledgment in front of you must be signed and returned prior to the start of the second week, or you will be dropped from the class. Any questions?"

    The part about giving v awarding is repeated again at midterm, 70% of the class (last chance to drop), and just prior to finals. It makes those Dean's office visits fun for me.

  6. Well good for his momma! I'd have half thought SHE'D be the one doing the calling.

    I'll admit to failing ONE class in highschool. Didn't fail a single one in college, though I got a couple C-'s in the science classes. Kids like that just make me shake my head.

  7. "...you failed me 'cause I gots a penis!"

    That's yet to be proven. (I'll leave it to the reader to decide whether I'm talking about the "you failed me 'cause" part or the "I gots a penis" part.)

    I can't say I disagree with the young... um, individual's evaluation of FYE, though. I had a "sit down, shut up, and demonstrate your unthinking obedience" seminar like that at the start of grad school, and I can't imagine a better way for the administration to demonstrate its contempt for me beyond having the dean of grad studies physically urinate on my leg.

  8. Raymonique-Shane Relondo's fantasy of college being just like high school, but with more drinking, drugging, and screwing are dashed on the hard, unyielding rocks of reality.

    Welcome to the real world, dude.

  9. ... and you failed me 'cause I gots a penis!

    Wow, the Sex Card? I would have expected the Race Card far in advance of that.

    I hope we see an update on this one after the Dean's office visit.


  10. You made that up, no one can really be that stupid!

  11. This little girl need to go back to the playground. And get the crap beat out of him some more till he learns the truth of the world.



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