Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

The Trials of Ratty and Fatty

I've been looking after my in-laws' dogs while they are away. This entails stopping by three times a day to feed/water/let out/clean up after them, and socialize with them a bit. Oy. Ratty (or Ratbert) and Fatty (or Fatbert) are a neurotic hot mess under normal circumstances, but a week on their own, with limited contact, has elevated their internal warning systems to OMG WTF BBQ!!!

Ratty is a Toy Fox Terrier -- he's skinny and has a nervous, jerky disposition. He trembles a lot, and his little beef-jerky legs shake and twitch. He gets easily chilled, and burrows in to furniture to stay warm. He's a finicky eater, as well. Fatty is a Jack Russell Terrier who is equally high strung and has the disposition of a hippo with hemorrhoids. She's earned her nickname by being the most spherical dog I've ever clapped an eye to. She's so rotund, her nipples stick out sideways! They are the canine equivalent of Jack Sprat and his wife; Ratty will not eat if he's distressed in any way, and Fatty stuffs all of her emotional distress with food.

Thus, Ratty is pining. Not even "people food" (cheese or chicken) will tempt him. He's been lying on the sofa, sighing dramatically and mentally composing Goth poems. Fatty, on the other hand, has gotten crafty to avoid what she is certain the end-result of her abandonment will be: starvation.

This morning, I discovered that she had nosed/clawed her way in to the pantry, chewed open the dog food bin, and eaten herself in to a stupor, while Ratty looked on nervously and apparently had a guilt-based attack of the shits.

Does anyone need gator bait? I'll give you a good price per pound, but they're a package deal.


  1. LOL!! Happily the gators haven't made any approaches on our property, but I'll keep ya posted ;-)

  2. "elevated their internal warning systems to OMG WTF BBQ!!!"

    Still laughing . . . :-)

    Perhaps some tranquilizers wrapped in bacon for Ratty, and some sleeping pills ditto for Fatty?

  3. My friend had a dalmatian some years ago... picture similar behavior in a dog who a) weighed 100lbs, and b) exhibited a tendency to shed rapidly when excited. I recall vividly a snapping, barking cloud of white fur spinning wildly at the end of its leash like a demented helicopter blade. "Doggie downers" used to be the only recourse for occasions when he actually had to interact socially. HIGHLY recommended.

  4. Why the hell do people even own those [i]things[/i]? Calling them canine is discredit to the rest of the genus.

    Being a delivery driver, The most Canine trouble I have involves these little fury shits under 10 lbs...

  5. Rats with hair... that's all they are... Either give them the sedatives, or maybe take them yourself before you have to deal with them :-)

  6. I think I sprained something from laughing so hard.

  7. And THIS is why I am the proud human of a Basset Hound. He is perfectly content to lie on the couch all day, barking occasionally at the neighbor kids.


Play nicely with others, or eat banhammer.