Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Motherfucking Mouse in my Muffin Tin

A lazy Saturday morning. I wander into the kitchen with vague notions of breakfast..."Blueberry muffins, maybe. That sounds good." Wee Ginge Beastie enthusiastically agreed, provided she could help make them. We started to assemble ingredients, and I opened the stove drawer to procure the muffin tin, only to find a fat, brown mouse squatting in it.

A fat, nasty, verminous, disease-bearing,  foul abomination of a rodent. In. My. Muffin tin! (No, Dino -- that is not a euphemism.)

I screamed. It jumped and scurried. I yanked the drawer all the way out, ran to the back door and launched it in to the back yard like I was going for the shot put record (narrowly missing CalvinsDad, who was fixing the hose). This commotion drew the Usual Suspects (three children and a dog) who all looked concerned. I explained that we had a mouse, and that I had freaked a bit.

SnarkGirl did not help when she elbowed her little sister and said, "You know what THAT means, Ginge? Our house is the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse!"

"COME INSIDE, IT'S FUN INSIDE!" Ginge bellowed at the top of her (tuneless) lungs, and proceeded to march around the dining room table, leading an imaginary parade. Both girls, raised on the Disney-esque idea that all critters are cute, friendly, tame beasties, were horrified at the thought that we would soon be engaged in an all-out assault on all things rodent.

Fuck. Me.

Nevertheless, plans four Mausageddon were laid. Husband and I consulted on traps, poison baits, flamethrowers and thermonuclear weaponry. He convinced me that conventional weapons ought to be a last resort. OctoBoy danced excitedly from foot to foot, eager to be on the hunt. He wanted to saddle up all three cats for battle.

A trip to the hardware store, and the war was joined.

Soon to be followed by part 2: "Cats are Useless Twats," and part 3: "Disney Can Lave My Nethers."


  1. Take off and nuke it from orbit, it's the only way to be sure.

    Irish Woman had a real problem with field mice when she first moved into our current home, but when I came along with the Siamese Death Monster, the problem seemed to go away, and Koshka looked rather plump for a winter. Looks like your cats need remedial training.

  2. Y'know, I bet if you stop with the Fancy Feast and kibble for a week they'll start looking for the mice...

    Just sayin'...

    OMG. Word verification: burowed. I swear to G-d I am not making this up...

  3. Ah, yes. I ran a short, but fruitful trapline in the kitchen a few winters ago, after one made his/her appearance on the counter one morning. Last year we had one stubborn little bastard who made his home (somehow) in the insulation AROUND the oven, and proceeded to prove animals do, in fact, piss where they eat and sleep, causing horrible smells in the kitchen whenever the oven was used until he was unceremoniously evicted and the appliance disassembled and cleaned.

    My cat is apparently in need of remedial training also. He has no problem catching all sorts of flying, crawling, or scurrying critters OUTDOORS and bringing the carcasses IN, but is evidently unclear on the concept of catching the ones INDOORS and relocating them OUT. Idiot.

    If it's any consolation, this post evoked tears of laughter...you've been missed. :)

  4. I feel sorry for you, but not so sorry that I didn't laugh uncontrollably at both of your posts. I can't wait for Part the Third.

  5. OMG... hilarious... I know YOU don't think so, but having done this drill a few times over the years, cats are about as useless as teats on a boar...


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