Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

In which I am a dreadful person.

One of my step-nieces has joined an evangelical fundie cult. Her new church is all about "praying the ghey away," speaking in tongues, laying on of hands and prayer to heal (rather than traditional medicine), exorcising demons and snake-handling. (I wish I was kidding. Friday services feature serpent wrangling.)

The pastor of this dubious organization urges his members to disconnect from all family that is not willing to attend a series of informational lectures on his church. He also asks that all his female congregants call him "pastor daddy."A lot of his female followers found his church when they were emotionally fragile and vulnerable. Apparently God has directed him to hang out around various AA and support groups to minister to those fragile women who need spiritual counsel.

He's a fucking vulture. A sweaty, long-haired, fat-fingered greasy predator.

My niece is marrying his son this August. In her year-long association with this group, she has stolen money from her father (my step-brother) and my step-sister. This was OK, according to her an "pastor daddy" because she was only taking it to give to the church. She also makes a point to tell everyone that they are, in fact, going to Hell.

I was invited to see her church, out of pure concern for my soul. You see, as a Catholic, I am not saved. Nor am I Christian. I am a heathen who worships the whore of Babylon. Before I can go to her wedding, however, I would have to submit myself for personal exorcism by pastor daddy (which involves "shedding the outer layers of this world and being fully immersed"  - i.e., getting naked and dunked in his backyard pool). Only then would TEH CATHOLIC COOTIES be removed.

The wedding invite (with a list of pre-conditions) came via Facebook -- honestly, who sends wedding invites via FB? -- yesterday. I mused on it and sent my regrets.

Then I sent them a Catholic Mass card of congratulations, telling them that they've been enrolled in Perpetual Eucharistic Adoration and Masses for the next five years. I mailed it to them care of their church storefront's address.

20 comments:

  1. I'd like to laugh at that, but I'm too busy writing it down for later use.

    Taking the Nestea plunge with Pastor GrabbyFingers shouldn't be a precondition to attending a marriage ceremony.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Congratulations on the "going to hell."

    I hope she sees through this preacher sooner rather than later. The sad part is that I'm willing to bet he will use the fact that so few of her "old, sinful family" showed up to her wedding as "evidence" that they don't love her.

    ReplyDelete
  3. This sounds eerily familiar. My church (which is, admittedly, not mainstream) has been accused of being a cult, but even we don't go anywhere near where Pastor Daddy seems to feel god (the almighty dollar...not God, The Father) is leading him. It sounds to me like he has found a way to justify his larcenous and lascivious tendencies under the guise of religion by channeling his inner Jim Baker and Bob Tilton.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Wow. Just wow.

    I am a Trained Theological Professional. Getting pretty close to being called "doctor" with the parchment and robe with fuzzy stripes to back it up (right now I just have the robe with the sleeves that can tie in the back and the pretty red hoodie). It is my professional opinion, based on the description (which I am assuming is correct), that this guy is not leading a "church" as is commonly known, but has crossed the line into full-up whackjob cult (the "pastor daddy" title, cutting off of family, and demands of having nude women in his backyard pretty much give it away).

    Why do I get the feeling that this guy would see himself in more than one chapter of the DSM-IV?

    ReplyDelete
  5. Mass card: great wedding present. Christmas gift: card from the nearest women's shelter. She's gonna need it, if hubby takes after daddy.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Maam, your family is..... special.

    Damn..

    ReplyDelete
  7. "Pastor daddy"? Does he drive a van with "free candy" stenciled on the side, too?

    ReplyDelete
  8. Make sure you cover all your bases and have an olive tree planted in her name in Israel. One for the church and 'pastor daddy,' too.

    ReplyDelete
  9. "Friday services feature serpent wrangling."

    So at the wedding, does the happy couple exchange venomous serpents instead of rings?

    ReplyDelete
  10. Sounds strangely like a 'cult' to me... All I could think of was Koresh, and Jim Jones. Hopefully she gets out of there before she gets to be the 'offering' to daddy...

    ReplyDelete
  11. The Mass Card was an inspired gesture.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Every time I hear the some fundie mention - and, thank God it's not often - "whore of Babylon," I want to personally visit violence upon the mouth who uttered it.

    Apparently I get that same feeling, even on the internet. Sounds like some member of your family requires the Righteous Bitch Slap of Knowledge. Of course, your actual response was as effective, and made for a more entertaining read! ;)



    tweaker

    ReplyDelete
  13. It's doesn't sound like a cult to me, it sounds like a con job. I think there was an episode of Dragnet about this sort of thing.

    "Pastor Daddy" deserves a good beating, just on general principle.

    This would be a good place for a shot gun wedding. Only the shotgun would be used on Pastor Daddy.

    Some days your family story reads like an episode of "Jerry Springer", but it's entertaining in a train wreck sort of way.

    ReplyDelete
  14. A truly inspired gift. Add a donation, in their names, to a marriage equality group.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Love the gift. I kind of like Lesley's postscript to it. I can't think of anything better. Unless it's a donation of Confederate money or something.

    ReplyDelete
  16. While I am sickened by this Koresh wannabe, I am saddened to hear that your niece (along with so many other vulnerable young women) has fallen prey to this abomination.

    Your gift, however, is brilliant.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Ugh, ugh, UGH.

    That is an awesome gift. As obnoxious and willfully stupid as she may be, I still feel badly for this poor, clueless girl. Folks who fall into cults (because that's what it is--and you'd be surprised at the number of people I know who attend "mainstream" denomination churches but still have a cult-y mindset) have tons of problems going in, and coming out. (No pun intended, but it works.)

    Sheesh.

    ReplyDelete
  18. WWCD....

    What Would Conan Do? (Conan the fucking barbarian, not the jackass on the tube).

    If that were my daughter, I'd be hitting up the next Renn faire for a decent blade.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I was about to ask whether the invitation is still on your FB profile/wall, and then reading the comments herein, I read "... the Nestea Plunge," and suddenly I regret not checking your blog on a regular basis. Forgive me? :)

    ReplyDelete
  20. Well, they got Warren Jeffs. Maybe they'll get this bozo, too.

    ReplyDelete

Play nicely with others, or eat banhammer.