"Good morning. This is Tyfanniegh's mom. She's going to miss her midterm today, so you need to give her a make-up exam."
"I'm sorry, but as per page two of the syllabus, make-up exams are not offered. She either takes the exam with her classmates, or she does not. That's her choice."
"But she has a very upset tummy. She woke up with a headache, and she can't eat -- she is obviously too sick to come in to school!"
"Unfortunately, the mid-term is scheduled today, and I will not re-schedule it to accommodate one student. I can not discuss her academic progress with you further. Good bye."
What I wanted to say:
"I'm sorry your daughter consumed enough alcohol to fill the forward ballast tanks of the Titanic, and woke up with a killer hangover, but if she doesn't get her ass to her exam, she's getting a midterm grade warning for the "F" she's currently percolating."