(Otherwise titled: "Alas, Testicleese, you must repent! Your end is in sight!")
There comes a time in most mens' lives -- after sober, judicious contemplation and self-reflection -- that they start wearing baggy shorts-style bathing suits over the ball-hugging, obscenity-charge-walking Speedo.
I say most, because I have a family member who will not back away from the spandex. Despite cajoling, pointed commentary, ridicule and outright pleas for our sanity, he clings to his banana hammock. Worse, it's a grape-smuggler that is at least thirty years old -- thus it is worn to sheer material in places you don't want to think about. We're talking pineapple basket here!
I may have to gouge out my own eyes. The good news is it's working wonders for my diet, as I can't eat anything resembling a cucumber, pickle, summer squash or bratwurst. The idea of gherkins or apricots makes me retch. The sight of chicken or turkey skin makes my skin crawl.
You get the idea.
Seriously -- if the entire watching world can tell if you're a turtle-neck or a crew-neck kind of guy, it's time to wear Jams or board shorts.
Oh...my...words fail me.
ReplyDeleteThere comes a time in most mens' lives -- after sober, judicious contemplation and self-reflection -- that they start wearing baggy shorts-style bathing suits over the ball-hugging, obscenity-charge-walking Speedo.
ReplyDeleteWhat about all the men who've done boxer-type suits since they grew out of their Huggies? That's more my type :)
For once, I find myself wishing you didn't paint such vivid pictures with words. I am now unable to close my eyes without bile rising to my throat.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I am now grateful I have been spared the in-person experience.
Is there a reason this... "gentleman" feels the burning need to walk around in a marble sack?
ReplyDeleteIf he KNOWS it makes everybody feel uncomfortable, then why does he do it? Is he just one step away from a trench coat, a middle school, and lifetime registry on a sex offender website somewhere?
Holy Lord Jeebus. Thirty years is about right - guys started wearing those things in homage to Mark Spitz right about then. Even guys who bore no resemblance to Mark Spitz. (Especially guys who bore no, etc.) But you'd think he'd replace it every once in a while - getting a new swimsuit is kinda like getting a new set of tires: you do it for safety reasons.
ReplyDeleteIn Victorian times, sensitive householders used to cover their table legs with lace so as not to reveal a glimpse of even a wooden leg.
ReplyDeletePerhaps you could 'borrow' his swimsuit and sew on a suitable variation on that theme?
Hmm . . . what lace doily for Dicky?
:-)
You mean pointing and laughing hasn't worked??? Is he REALLY that dumb?
ReplyDelete