Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Paper-wrapped, waxy goodness.

Have I ever told you how seriously I take crayons? Probably not. Here goes: I fucking love Binney-Smith and their glorious little sticks of waxy creativity. We're talking about Crayola God damned crayons.  We make pilgrimage to their giant-ass factory in Easton, PA at least twice a year, and it is worth every penny of admission. The original. Unequalled.

If you're an adult who does not wax (heh) nostalgic at the whiff of a freshly opened box of Crayolas, become inspired by the very names of the colors or get giddy and smile at the sight of that big honkin' green-and-yellow box (64 colors, with built-in sharpener!), then get the fuck off my sidebar, because you have no fucking soul.

Crayons retain their magic, no matter how old you are. Want to liven up a party? Throw out some butcher paper, a few coloring books and several boxes of crayons. Adults and children alike will gravitate, and eventually, you will see an 80-year-old Gramma drawing flowers next to a 4-year-old drawing robots across from the twins coloring in their "Scooby Doo" books. No one can resist the call of the crayon; it transcends age, race, and language. Crayons are an Objective Good; a universal uniter.

Want to creatively enhance a room? Do what Dino did: leave a basket of crayons on the toilet tank and let your guests know that they can gleefully deface and graffiti up your potty walls. You're providing a creative outlet AND reading material for your guests! It rocks! (My contributions are varied, but I like the ceiling piece the best.)

I'd be willing to bet that if you laid a shit-tonne of paper and crayons at a G-8 meeting, a UN Security Council meeting, or Congressional gathering, you would see more Shit Getting Done, because no one can be a crab-ass, contentious motherfucker with a fistful of crayons.

They need to be real Crayolas though. Don't cheap out and buy the weak-sauce, pale imitations like RoseArt or other generic crap. God, I hate cheap-ass, shitty crayons. They lack style and substance. Their labels are boring and their color names lack originality; they are too waxy and they leave a pale, pussified streak of color on the page. If you buy crap crayons, there's a seat reserved for you on Hell's Amtrak, and guess what? It's probably in the cigar car.

That's right, I said it: you'll smoke a turd in Hell for buying cut-rate crayons.

Go out and buy s box for yourself today. Grab some good paper, as well, and maybe a coloring book. Indulge yourself in the sheer potential that an unopened box of crayons and a fresh pad of paper contain.

Then go out and buy a couple of boxes of the good shit for Donors Choose, your local church or even your local food bank.


  1. Hmm..... Crayons...... that gives me an idea....

  2. Heh- I was playing with some crayons last week at dinner, since they were left on the table... :-)

  3. You realize, of course, that I started smelling that Crayola smell as I read your post.

    Thanks. I needed that.

    stay safe.

  4. Cranky, you'll be proud to know that when I went to the Peruvian Amazon with a medical team (research for a book I'm writing), I took a buttload of Crayolas and paper with me to trade at the various villages after we finished our daily clinics.

  5. Crayolas for world peace! Because they bring out the kid in all of us!

    I'm going to buy myself a box today. Can't quite decide if I should leave it in the living room or the bathroom... Either way: FUN. :)

  6. Besides, the knock-off's don't taste nearly as good. ;-)

  7. That's it. "Girls, I know what we're going to do today! Go get your crayon box. We're going to make something for Nana."

    (Gratuitous "Phineas and Ferb reference at no additional charge.)


  8. "f you're an adult who does not wax (heh) nostalgic at the whiff of a freshly opened box of Crayolas,..."

    "Nostalgic" may not be the word we're looking for here, although I certainly do remember them. A girl in my kindergarten class used to eat the damn things; nothing will put you off crayons more effectively than seeing one of your classmates drooling purple spit all the time.

  9. Where do you stand on the retirement of colors and their replacement by new colors with dumb names?

  10. The only rule over in Outrageous Manor, crayons on paper only. So one kid drew a pic of 'himself' being spanked for drawing on the walls.

    Personally I thought it was refrigerator gallery material.


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