Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Friday, June 25, 2010

Hell's Own Timetable.

  • 7 AM: Wake up when a toddler does a diving headbutt into my solar plexus from the headboard. Gasp for a few minutes; reflect on sacred duty of parenthood.
  • 7:15 AM: Toss a bucket of Cheerios to three feral children and leave the kitchen. Realize that I have to enter the kitchen to make coffee. Fuck.
  • 7:45 AM: Clothing rodeo! Chase three nekkid children around upper stories of house, catch them and stuff them in to appropriate undergarments. Repeat until everyone has shorts, shirts and shoes on. (repeat Xs 2 for toddler.)
  • 8:15 AM: Herd children outside. Deploy bubbles, chalk and sandbox toys. Admonish everyone to share; remind children that the Marquess of Queensberry rules will be observed at all times.
  • 8:20 AM: Retreat to picnic table with stack of 20 papers, three red pens, vat of coffee and "medicinal" flask. 
  • 8:30 AM: Look up from second paper when shrieking commences. Sort quarrel; threaten children with time-out.
  • 8:45 AM: Finish third paper; confiscate half-eaten chalk. Threaten children with grounding.
  • 9:05 AM: Discover children playing "Mud Monsters vs. Girly-girl."  Realize that only the whites of OctoBoy and Ginger Beastie's eyes are visible because they are caked in mud. Calm eldest daughter; hose off children and threaten them with beatings.
  • 9:30 AM: Finish fourth, fifth and sixth papers. Realize that it is too quiet; go looking for children. They are behind the shed, making "mud" with a bag of quick-set cement. Scrape off toddler; scrape up semi-hardened cement. Threaten children with forced passage to Nepal via air freight.
  • 10:00 AM: Give in to frustration and despair. Consider running off to Borneo.  
  • 10:05 AM: coffee refill; finish papers.
  • 12:15 PM: Lunch for ravenous hordes. Ham and mayo on white; peanut butter and nutella; roast beef, cheese, mustard and pickle. Chips, fruit and milk deployed. Squabbling commences.
  • 12:20 PM: First sandwich quarter thrown in the Great Lunch Debacle of June 2010. Chaos and shouting ensues. Monkey butts are routed with application of wooden spoon.
  • 12:30 PM: Cabinets scraped, children chastised further, dishwasher loaded.
  • 12:40: PM: Penitential snorking, recriminations. Pleas for mercy heard.
  • 12:45 PM: Strategic retreat to living room. Restorative "Muppet Show" viewings prescribed.
 Relative peace restored in household.

For now.


  1. Boy do I look forward to being a parent :)

  2. Thank you for reaffirming our decision to not have kids.

  3. Boy, If I read this to my kids they would think your place sounds like great FUN!!


Play nicely with others, or eat banhammer.